I’ve decided to get back into game reviews here on Goatmoose. Not quite as in-depth and expansive as I used to, but brief looks at whether something tickled my fancy or tickled my hatred. Last April, I more or less stopped doing reviews when I became senior editor over at Addicted Gamer. Since that site has come and gone, and I rarely acquire games quick enough to write much at Xbox 360 Digest (since, you know, they’re into being all current and suave, and I’m too poor to buy games when they first come out), I’ll do the occasional belated review here on this dandy site. I still keep up with XBLA and DLC quite a bit as well, so you’ll see more of that as well. This site often looks too much like an ad outlet anymore, and that bugs my psyche.

So here we are – Borderlands. It’s a pretty swell game, and I’d like to tell you a thing or two about it.

A sponsor company called Vacation Rental.org contacted me about a new commercial advertising their site. It stars a “superhero” named Unitard. Not surprisingly, he wears a unitard, and is a bit of a tard.

This vacation rental commercial shows Unitard crawling over a hotel counter stopping people from renting a hotel room. The point of the commercial, and of the site, is to let you know that you can often rent a whole vacation rental house somewhere for the same cost as a little hotel room. Granted, the idea of doing such a thing would never really cross my mind, so it did pique my interest.

I didn’t really chuckle at Unitard, but at the father’s reaction to him after he left. For me, that was the highlight. I adore stupid comedy more than anything, but Unitard focuses a little more on stupid and a little less on comedy. I’m not sure the commercial convinced me of anything, but it did tell me there’s a possibility of renting homes when on vacation.

What do you think of Unitard? Does this amuse you, or is it dumb? Have you ever rented a house when on vacation? Did you even know you could?

It does have one thing going for it… any commercial is better than this one.

I wear eyeglasses – everyone knows that. I get complimented frequently on my main pair of specs, a fancy red/black/blue set of Armani frames that totally cost an arm and a leg. Fortunately they were a gift for my mother. While having unique glasses is great and garners a lot of positive attention, paying hundreds of dollars for them isn’t always the best. I mean, attention certainly has a price… but everything has its limits.

Recently I was told about this post that discusses Zenni Optical and their extremely inexpensive eyeglasses. How cheap? Prescription glasses start at $8 and go up to about $40. Crazy talk!

Sure, you can’t get Armani glasses like mine from them, but seriously – $8.00! Most of us are constantly looking for a bargain. You can find some frames that look just as good as the designer names but cost a tiny bit of the price. It’s definitely possible with Zenni. If you’re in the market for some new specs but have a tight budget like most of us, give them a look. Bifocal lenses and all those fancy coatings are also available for a slightly additional price. You’re guaranteed to not have to spend $500 to get yourself a nice pair of glasses.

Hello, readers. I wanted to put up a short post telling you about a new site I launched:

www.itsfreeoncraigslist.com

You may have seen the couple posts here on Goatmoose called “The Mysteries of Craigslist’s Free Stuff Section.” This website is an entire site dedicated to the awesome garbage people give away for free using craigslist. Go check it out, and tell your pals.

Dragon Age: Origins is an epic BioWare game. For years, few games have consumed me the way Dragon Age has eaten the past several weeks of my life. Having invested 120+ hours over several playthroughs and having nabbed all but one achievement (which is rumored to be glitched), I feel confident in giving suggestions for how to nab the many achievements available in the game. There are a good many, some of which will require mad amounts of time, but with the right resources they are all attainable no matter what your skill level.

Since there are an infinite number of ways to play the game, tailor your character and progress through the story, any suggestions on this page are by no means the ONLY way to get an achievement. Having played the game with every character type and having seen the story from each angle, I will merely suggest routes by which I unlocked the points myself. If you have a suggestion to add or a different/better/easier way to unlock something, please let me know via the comments and I’ll toss it in the post.

**There will be some spoiler stuff within this list, so be aware.**

A month or two ago, or maybe three or four, I did a post called “The Mysteries of Craigslist’s “Free Stuff” Category.” Recently, I’ve had some people asking for a sequel. Though I promised one of these people in particular a new entry several weeks ago, I just remembered that promise. Cut me some slack. Here you go.

If only you lived in the grand city of Pittsburgh, PA, these free items could be yours. They may be horrible and they may not make any sense, but that’s the beauty of craigslist.

9 Fellows plastic folders sized to hold two 5 1/4″ floppy disks
Clearly these folders are so old that they were made when 5 1/4″ floppy disks were popular. This means they are complete trash.

I have a bag of about 13 empty pill bottles, the orange kind that you get at the pharmacy. Most of the labels are already taken off. They are the shorter small and medium ones, no tall ones.
Are there any legitimate reasons someone would want these?

FREE – THREE SHELF PLASIC BLACK DESK ORGANIZER…HAS BEEN USED, BUT, HOPING THAT SOMEONE ELSE CAN MAKE USE OUT OF IT…
The best part of this ad is that it’s been posted 3 times in the past two weeks. Someone is hanging onto this $4 plastic desk organizer with a lot of hope instead of throwing it out.

I have a coupon for Merrick Dry Dog food that I cannot use. Would like to donate this to someone who really needs dry dog food, although it would be good if the dog is already used to this food. Thanks.
Really? A coupon? I have a whole newspaper worth of coupons every Sunday. It goes straight in the trash can. If anyone wants to root through the dumpster outside my building for them, there’s about $100 worth of savings every Sunday. Would like to donate this to someone who really enjoys digging through trash, although it would be good if they already smelled like old onions.

TWO TARGET SIZE BAGS OF ADULT DIAPERS THAT ARE OPENED (THEY HAVE THE SIDE TAPES NOT PULLUPS)
Target size bags? What the hell does that mean? And why are they opened? Did you stop shitting yourself?

FOR THOSE POKEMON LOVERS…MY SON NO LONGER WANTS HIS BOOK…HE IS GIVING AWAY A POKEMON SINNOH HANDBOOK….
IT IS IN PERFECT CONDITION – NO RIPS, TEARS, OR WRITINGS…HE JUST WANTS SOMEONE ELSE TO USE IT LIKE HE DID…JUST DOESN’T HAVE AN INTEREST IN POKEMON ANYMORE.
All caps. This book must be serious. Too bad nobody has an interest in Pokemon anymore.

And from that same person…
FREE BLUE JUMBO SEAT IN GREAT CONDITION – MY BABIES ARE TOO BIG FOR IT NOW…PLEASE EMAIL FOR TIME/DAY FOR PICKUP.
I don’t care if it’s free and times are tough. You can guarantee babies pooped on that thing.

Sofa carpet lamp mirror – now gone. it was easiest to call people who sent their phone number
What’s a sofa carpet lamp mirror?

VHS of Vampire in Brooklyn starring Eddie Murphy and Angela Bassett. Porch pick up.
Imagine the sight of someone picking up a VHS tape of Vampire in Brooklyn off of someone’s porch. That’s amazing.

I HAVE ONE OPEN BOX OF BABY OATMEAL, MY SON DOES NOT LIKE IT, AND IF SOMEONE NEEDS IT I WOULD HATE TO THROW IT AWAY, IT IS GERBER AND IS A LARGE BOX, PLEASE PICK UP IF YOU NEED, LOOKING TO HELP THOSE NOT ON FOOD STAMPS OR WIC!!
So you only want to donate it to people who can afford to buy their own oatmeal…?

silky twin bed sheets – silky smooth only one pillow case
I can think of little that I would want less than someone’s used bed sheets. Especially twin size.

free gold formal dress size 5/6 minor wear
Nothing is classier than a formal dress being modeled over a giant red flannel something.

over 30 different glasses whiskey/wine/shot/ i didnt wash
I’m too busy being an alcoholic to clean the damn things.

There you have it folks. Happy new year. If you picked up those whiskey glasses for your holiday party, be safe.

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A lot of people spend a small fortune on a huge HD television, intense surround sound and the best Blu-Ray players. If you’re one of those people with a totally epic home theater system, chances are you have enough extra dollars to invest in the one thing you may be missing that would make your home theater truly complete… Home Theater Seating. It often goes overlooked, but is the final ingredient to creating a true home theater.

And that’s what I have to say about that.

I was recently sorting through some old stuff from high school. Sometime around junior or senior year, it seems I was assigned the task of writing a journal. It appears that every day we were given a subject and a certain amount of time, told to write continually about the subject until time ran out. On most days, you can glean what the subject was meant to be based on my response. Many interesting compositions were formed. This is their story:

(Written on the inside cover)
Fat Farmers with Guns proudly presents…
The Sick Book of Rice
(The menopausal chronicles of Wendy Saffron and her impotent one-legged rhinoceros)

It got approved, for God’s sake, so shut up, you fairy!

Page 1
The advantages of living with friends are easy to think of. Fun, quality time, always having someone to taslk to… It would be fun to have that kind of entertainment. On the other hand, it’s a lot less privacy, and you just may get tired of them.

I like rice, do you? I just thought I’d ask, since I can’t stop writing and all. Spicy yellow rice is very delicious.

Page 2
I don’t have too many rules at home. At school, all the rules are cool, I don’t care. They are what they are. Enough said. That’s all I think about that. So, instead, I’m going to finish my earlier writing about yellow rice.

Mahatma Saffron yellow spicy rice is by far the premium. Unfortunately, its godlike existence can only be found at Wal-Mart. It costs 57 cents per package. This yellow tube of goodness will warm your heart and soul. It is very spicy, though. Regular flavor is bad. Spicy is prime.

Mahatma. The best 57 cents in life.

Page 3
My parents don’t make me do anything because that’s stupid. Occasionally, I’ll have to go to some family dinner or something I don’t want to be a part of, but that’s nothing big. So… Jim!

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law is a good show. Can you spell uncle? Here’s space:

Wait… crap. That’s not very hard. All you have to do is look at it up there. How dumb am I? Jeez. Ragweed.

So not only had I already started painting, but Joey comes over and calls me fat! I was like sooo mad. Duck.

Page 4
Last night I had some of that wonderful rice I’ve been talking so fondly about. Unfortunately, I burned it. I was on the phone while cooking it and though I didn’t forget about it, I just wasn’t paying much attention. I still ate it and it wasn’t bad, but it was a bit firm. A lot of it got stuck to the bottom of the pot. Usually I would be upset over that because I’d have to clean it, but I was on my way to work so I just left it for my dear sweet mother to clean. She loves it. Scraping baked rice off the bottom of a pot is an extraordinary pastime.

Page 5
Being successful, to me, means eating three packets of Mahatma Saffron spicy yellow rice every day. Nothing could warm you up like a hearty bowl of Mahatma. Sure, if you ate 3 packs a day you’d become really fat, but hey, it’s tasty! Don’t burn it though. That’s gross.

“Syme sat up. “Here comes Parsons,” he said.” – direct quote from George Orwell’s novel 1984.

Page 6
If school uniforms were made out of Mahatma yellow spicy rice, it would be a fantastic idea to have them. They would be a ravishing color, have a delicious flavor and a comforting texture. We could follow Bart Simpson and eat our shorts if we got hungry. Only Mahatma clothes would be acceptable, though. Also, the whole head-to-toe outfit would cost like five bucks. That’s the shizzle, Roger!

Nouns: Bank, guns, car, hat, marker, fan
Verbs: Poke, jog, sit, color, fish, travel, spit

Left foot problems? No worries! Just buy a jar of amniotic fluid and pour it all over your foot. Presto, c’est magnifique!

Page 7
The biggest problem in the world today is that not everyone has some Mahatma yellow spicy rice. If we could provide everyone with a warm, savory bowl of that euphoric goodness, I’m sure all hatred would end. Back during the Berlin Airlift, they dropped boxes of it to show the goodness of humanity. Winston Churchill and all world leaders would eat it during their WWII meetings. Adolf Hitler didn’t kill himself because the German empire was being crushed, but because he ran out of Mahatma. The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor because we wouldn’t share our rice.

Jose!

Page 8
I would spend a million dollars on buying every package of Mahatma Rice that exists in the world. Man, I’d be swimming in saffron flavor. It’d be so nice to be all cozy in beds of Mahatma with sheets of Mahatma and dreams of Mahatma Gandhi eating Mahatma rice. Either that, or I’d buy a McLaren F1. Especially if they made it out of rice.

Cats are sharp.
*Touches cat*
Ow! How elite!

Offer me a cookie and I shall accept it. Thank you. – Your Mother

Page 9
My dream home would be a house constructed entirely of rice. Not just any rice – Mahatma yellow spicy rice. Fork! Bread! Loss of hair!

Pen must not stop moving… I want a rat in a hat named San Dingles. Do you know anything about Kenny G?

I went to a Mannheim Steamroller concert last year. That was pretty interesting. You should go to one. YOU should. You almond-eating bridge player.

Page 10
Three minutes! I have to write for THREE rustic minutes?! If I only had three packages of Mahatma rice, I’d be up shit creek! Conversely, if I had to pour iced tea on people’s bobblehead Jay Z dolls for a living, I’d be all set. Oh, by the way, 20 years from now, I’ll have cancer of the rice. My Mahatma body will be sad.

Sidewalk Chalk (12 pcs): $1.89

6 inch scar on my right butt cheek
6 inch scar on my left butt cheek
Ice cream cones for legs
Man, Michican does rock!
-Connor, 2002

Page 11
I have three best friends. But my best friend of all is Mahatma yellow rice. Trent Reznor’s ballsack.

LGOAESC: A new branch of the government.
“Legislature for the Government of Orthodoxy Associated with Economic Social Communication
or
Let’s Go Outside and Eat Some Corn

BAROQUE BEATLES!
…close to Mahatma in heavenly status, but a hair short.

Page 12
I would eat dinner with Mahatma Gandhi. Why? His first name is the same as spicy yellow rice. What more reason do I need? I hear he was an alright guy, too.

Or maybe I’d eat with Danny DeVito because he is a great man. That and I’d like to make fun of him because he’s small and short. Bleed.

Jaleel White is also a possibility. I could ask him why he ruined his life by being Steve Urkle. Never will he be regarded as anyone else. He really put the ruler up his own bum with that one. Oh well. 5 Goats.

Topic: Toothpaste
“Randy Drinks Pee, Vol. 1″
Danny and Randy walked through the Uni-Mart wearing do-rags and humming Christmas songs. They sexually molested a bag of Fritos and defecated on the shelf.

Page 13
I would choose Rice.

Page 14
Otis Spunkmeyer cookies.

Well, there is one advantage to being male – you can be called “Gay” if you are gay. If you are a girl, you can be called “Lesbian.” Guys don’t have to deal with monthly blood. Girls can eat more spicy yellow Mahatma rice. Guys can appreciate the sound of a mandolin more. Girls smell better. Girls don’t have to poop. Guys can pee outside.

Look at the rhymes, comin at ya from behind! Trip!

So many times I have considered myself black. I think it’s because I’m so fat, so fat, so fat.

My dad is a man. Your dad is fat. Last week I ate an old graham cracker. It was soft. Tasted like Bob Dole’s mom.

Page 15
The cafeteria would sell only Mahatma spicy yellow rice. That would make me incredibly happy. I would also carpet all the rooms and the halls and line the floors in peppermint patties. I would also have pictures of the Muppets all over the place. They are cute, like bleeding gophers.

I’m white. I don’t know if anyone told you, but the facts are out. Fall asleep. Now. Do it. Shut up.

Page 16
I think as soon as they can cook their own Mahatma rice, people should be considered adults. This should average out to around 7 years old. You ghost. Oh, you ghostly ghost.

Lufitueb, Lusitania and Left – the Three L’s of Northern Normandy.
You are not the first to cross this way, nor will you be the last.

Bleed in my tacos or I’ll forcefeed you almonds!
Alexchiu.com – where all your dreams come chiu!

Page 17
The school would sell bowls of Mahatma rice for 40 cents every day if I was in charge of the cafeteria. That and we’d have SpongeBob shaped tator tots.

We’re listening to Yanni again. His music makes me have to poop.

Encore du riz.

Page 18
Mahatma rice is darn good. I went to WalMart to buy some last week, but they were out. I was mad. I pooped my pants a little.

Carlos was a baker. A naked baker. His store was called the Nakey Bakey. He sold baked goods that contained various innuendos. Now, this pornographic baker went out of business because he bled on a fire hydrant, his mom thought he was gay, and he was stoned by Hatians with purple mullet wigs. Connor buried him in Poncho Villa’s back yard. Nakey Bakey’s memory will live on because Connor has his name and nutbag tattooed on his bum.

Footlong hot dogs do stuff.

Page 19
I like tacos! Yay! My name is Billy and I am four years old. My daddy bought me a mandolin for my birthday. Thank you daddy. I like you. Luv, Billy.
PS – Peepee

Page 20
Cornbread – ain’t nothin wrong with that!

Page 21
HUGE CLOTHES! Nobody understands the inner workings of Danny Glover’s mind like I do. I’m a wizard when it comes to that.

Furthermore, sandpaper is a horrible alternative to cheese on hamburgers. It’s just awful.

Unlike stripping yourself naked and wrestling in a 600 gallon bowl of Mahatma spicy yellow rice. That’d be real neat, feet.

Page 22
I would want to make a field trip to the Mahatma rice factory. It would be educational to see the creation of a superb rice product that is so phat.

“Left arm,” said the onion.
“Bow tie,” said the carrot.
“Scramble tiiiiiiiime!” exclaimed the eggs.
…and hence they scrambled.

So like I said, let’s do that rice field trip thing. It’d be rad. We could find out the top secret Mahatma secret ingredients.

Oh God, that’d be euphoric. Gary, get my inhaler, I’m goin in!

Page 23
Today, a poem for you, because the past sucks:

Pork.
Randy the gerbil hat a car.
Far from Tony, spin.
Connor, hates.
Never send a trance.
Forward in cancer endings.
So much paper.
Bigotry of aardvarks.
Sausage McFan.

Page 24
The time when I ate Mahatma spicy rice was my favorite memory of all time. Either that or the time when I killed Connor. That was a blast.

DUCT TAPE FOREVER!
starring Red Green

I really like ham, too. It’s excellent. I went bowling like 20 times last week. I suck. I get by with a little help from my boobs.
Today’s word: Imputation.
Nip.

Page 25
No.
About whatever I’d like.
About whatever I’d like.
About whatever I’d like.
These are not my pants.
Thriller!
Pat Sajak and Vanna White welcome you to The Chamber of Secrets. Here you will meet the Lord of the Rings and listen to Steely Dan. Connor the aardvark will take you to Devourment.com and the Nestle factory. These are Made From the Best Stuff on Earth.

Page 26
Hades had one killer cape on in that picture. I guess that’s what you get when you’re the god of the underworld. Hmph.
*considers the profession*

Sometimes, cable companies do things that piss everyone off. Whether it’s the frequent rate raises, intermittent service or dealing with horrible customer support (hello, Comcast), most people consider alternatives to cable TV at one time or another. Whether you think about getting rid of TV service altogether and relying on Internet streaming sites like Hulu (which Comcast now owns a majority share of) or look into dish network promotions, there are a few other options.

Dish Network is one of the leading satellite providers. Of all the feedback I’ve received from people who use Dish, nobody’s really complained. At least not the way people do about Comcast. The service is often lower-priced, HD Packages are only a few dollars more and it gives a good picture. Promotions change all the time, though, so it’s important to keep up with them on sites like the sponsored one linked above.

Plus, right now they’re offering 3 free months of HBO and Showtime, which is plenty of time to watch and decide how addicted to True Blood and Dexter you’re going to get. And you will.

I still use Comcast, but only because I’m a victim of habit. In no way would I ever recommend their TV service. Their internet, however, has been fantastic for me.